Welcome to Everhoof (Pilot)
by Alexander Dufrene
Summary: This is a rewrite of Episode 1 of Welcome to Nightvale set in the mountains of Everhoof! The story is the same, just in a different setting, so don't worry, I'll keep the Nightvale high-jinks! I hope you enjoy!


_A/N: Read the description for context!_

A friendly mountain community where the air is cold, the mountains are colder, and strange spells flash high above our heads while we fake our deaths.

Welcome to Everhoof.

Hello everypony.

To start things off, I have been asked to read this brief message:

The Village Council announces the beginning of a new Mineshaft between The Peak and The Base, near the mountain. They would like to remind everypony that tools are not allowed in the Mineshaft. Ponies are not allowed in the Mineshaft.

It is possible you will see Cloaked Figures in the Mineshaft.

 **Do not approach them. Do not approach the Mineshaft.**

The spell guarding it is highly dangerous. Try not to look at the Mineshaft, and especially do not look for any period of time at the Cloaked Figures. The Mineshaft will not harm you.

And now, the news.

Old Mare Jenny, out near the town hall, says the Alicorns revealed themselves to her. Said they were ten feet tall, radiant, and one of them was black. Said they helped her with various errands. One of them brought up her groceries - some carrots. She's offering to sell the bag, which has been touched by an Alicorn. It was the black Alicorn, if that sweetens the pot for anyone. If you're interested, contact Old Mare Jenny. She's out by Town Hall.

A new mare came into town today. Who is she? What does she want from us? Why her perfect and beautiful mane? Why her perfect and beautiful coat? She says she is a scientist. Well, we have _all_ been scientists at one point or another in our lives. But why now? Why here? And just what does she plan to do with all those beakers and swirling, brilliant potions in that room she's renting - the one next to Big Johnny's General Store.

No one does a deal like Big Johnny. **No one.**

Just a reminder to all the parents out there: let's talk about safety when taking your foals out to play at the peak and the gorge. You need to give them plenty of water, make sure they're _really_ bundled up, and keep an eye on the Pegasus Teams.

Are the unmarked Pegusi wearing black? Probably outside government. Not a good area to play that day.

Are they blue? That's Celestia's Wonderbolts. They'll keep a good eye on your kids, and _rarely ever_ take one.

Are they painted with strange designs that look like birds of prey diving? No one knows who they are or what they want. Do not play in that area. Return to your home and lock the doors until a Canterlot Wonderbolt leaves a small sapphire on your doorstep to let you know that the danger has passed. Cover your foals ears to block out the screams.

Also remember, Alligatorade is basically sugar water, so give your kids plain old water and maybe some orange slices when they play.

A large caravan flying through local airspace disappeared today, only to reappear in the Everhoof Elementary gymnasium during hoofball practice, disrupting practice quite badly. The caravan careened through the small cavern for only a fraction of a second. And before it could strike anypony or anything, it vanished again. This time, apparently, for good.

There is no word yet on if or how this will affect Everhoof Bald Eagles' game schedule, and also if this could perhaps be the work of their bitter rivals the Ghastly Gorge Scorpions.

Ghastly Gorge is always trying to best us through fancier gyms, better pre-game snacks, and possibly by transporting a Chariot Caravan into our gymnasium, delaying practice for several minutes at least.

For shame, Ghastly Gorge, for shame.

That new scientist - we know know it's named Hazelblossom. Hazelblossom. . . that's such a strange name. She has a lovely jawline. Teeth like the stone monoliths which are perfect and beautiful. Her mane is perfect, and we all hate and despair, and love that perfect mane in equal measure.

Old Mare Jenny brought daisy muffins which were decent, but lacked sugar. She said the Alicorns had taken her sugar for a Holy Mission, and she hadn't a chance to buy more.

Hazel told us that we are _by far_ the more magically interesting community in the U.S., and she had come to study just what is going on around here. She smiles and everything about her was perfect, and I fell in love instantly.

Royal Agents from a vague yet terrifying agency were behind us, watching. I'm afraid for Hazel. I'm afraid for Everhoof. I'm afraid for anyone caught between what they know and what they don't yet know.

We received a press release this morning. The Everhoof Business Bureau is proud to announce the opening of the brand new Everhoof Harbor and Waterfront Recreation Area. I have been to these facilities myself recently on their approval, and I can say that it is absolutely top of the line and beautiful.

Sturdy docking areas made from eco-friendly post-consumer material, a boardwalk for travelling, and plenty of stands ready for local food vendors and merchants to turn into a public marketplace.

Now, there _is_ some concern about the fact that, given we are on the side of a mountain, there is no actual water at the waterfront. And that is a definite drawback, I agree.

For instance, the boardwalk is currently overlooking Yucca plants and rocks. The Business Bureau did not provide any specific remedies for this issues, but they assured me that the new harbor would be a big boost to Everhoof nonetheless.

Maybe wait until a lake magically forms around here for the full Waterfront experience.

The local chapter of the OMA is selling Chariot Stickers as part of their fundraising week. They sent our station one to get some publicity. And we're here to serve the community, so I'm happy to let you all know about it. The stickers are made from good, sturdy vinyl, and they read:

 **Offensive Magic doesn't kill people.**

 **It's impossible to be killed by a gun.**

 **We are all invincible to spells and it's a miracle.**

Stand outside your cave and shout "OMA!" to order one.

Hazel and her team of scientists warn that one of the caverns in the new development of River Heights, out near of the elementary school, doesn't really exist.

"It looks like it exists," explained Hazelblossom and her perfect hair. "Like it's just there when you look at it, and it's between two other similar caverns, so it would make more sense for it to be there than not."

But, she says, they have done experiments and the cavern is definitely not there. At news time, the scientists are standing in a group on the rock path in front of the non-existent cave, daring each other to go knock on the door.

A great bellowing was heard from the Everhoof Post Office yesterday. Mail Ponies claim no knowledge, although passers-by described the sound as being a little like a pony soul being destroyed through dark magic.

The Zebra Tracker - now, I don't know if you've seen this pony around. He's the one that appears to be of maybe of Abyssinian origin, yet wears a Zebran headdress out of some racist stage production and claims to be able to read tracks on stone. He appeared on the scene, and swore that he would discover the truth.

No one responded because it's really hard to take him seriously in that headdress of his.

Lights. Seen in the sky above the McPones. Not the glowing sign of McPones. Something higher, and beyond that. We know the difference. We've caught onto their game. We understand the "lights above the McPones" game.

Invaders from another world.

Fillies and gentlecolts, the future is here, and it's about 100 feet above the McPones.

Hazel and her scientists at the monitoring station near route 12 say their detection magic has been detecting wild seismic shifts - meaning to say that the ground should be going up and down all over the place. I don't know about you folks, but the ground has been as still as the crust of a tiny globe rocketing through an endless void could be.

Hazel says that they've double-checked the spells and they are in perfect working order. To put it plainly, there appears to be catastrophic earthquakes happening right here in Everhoof that absolutely nopony can feel.

Well, submit an insurance claim anyway. See what you can get, right?

Traffic time, listeners.

Now, Police are issuing warnings about ghost chariots out on the roadways, those carts only visible in the distance reaching unimaginable speeds leaving leaving destinations unknown for destinations more unknown. They would like to remind you that you should not set your speed by these apparitions, and doing so will not be considered "following the flow of traffic."

However, they do say that it's probably safe to match speed with the mysterious lights in the sky, as whatever entities or organizations responsible appear to be cautious and reasonable drivers.

And now, the weather.

(Check this list) /blog/2017/08/18/some-of-the-best-brony-songs-ever/

Welcome back, listeners.

The sun didn't set at the correct time today, Hazel and her team of scientists report. They're quite certain about it. They contacted Celestia's Royal Scientists and the sun definitely set ten minutes later than it was supposed to.

I asked them if they had any explanations but they did not offer anything concrete. Mostly they sat in a circle around time device, staring at it, murmuring and cooing.

Still, we must be grateful to have the sun at all. It's easy to forget in this cold, foggy, and _cloudy_ mountain climate, but things would be slightly harder for us without the sun.

The next time the sun rises, whatever time that turns out to be, take a moment to thank Celestia for all the warmth and light and even, yes, extreme cold that Celestia has gifted us with.

The Village Council would like to remind you about the tiered Heavens, and the hierarchy of Alicorns. The reminder that you should not be curious about anything regarding them.

The structure of Heaven and the organizational chart are privileged information, known only to the Village Council members on a need-to-know basis. Please do not speak to or acknowledge any Alicorns that you may come across while shopping at the Ralph's or at the Mountain Brush Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex. They only tell lies and do not exist.

Report all Alicorn sightings to the Village Council for treatment.

And now a brief public service announcement.

Alligators: can they kill your foals?

Yes.

Along those lines, to get personal for a moment, I think the best way to die would be swallowed by a giant snake. Going feet-first and whole into a slimy maw would give your life perfect symmetry.

Speaking of the Mountain Brush Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex, its owner, Alex Williams, reports that he has found the entrance to a vast underground city in the pin retrieval area of lane 5. He said he has not yet ventured into it; merely peered down at its strange spires and broad avenues.

He also voices of a distant crowd in the depths in the depths of that subterranean metropolis. Apparently the entrance was discovered when a bowling ball accidentally rolled into it, clattering down to the city below with sounds that echoed for miles across the impossibly huge cavern.

So, you know, whatever population that city has, they know about us now, and we might be hearing from them very soon.

Hazelblossom, perfect and beautiful, came into our studios during the break earlier but declined to stay for an interview. She had some sort of glowing box held in her glowing telekinesis that was covered in wired and tubes. Said she was testing the room for "materials."

I don't know what materials she meant but that box sure whistled and beeped a lot. When she pulled it close to the microphone it sounded like, well, like a bunch of baby birds had just woken up. Really went crazy.

Hazel sounded nervous. I've never seen that kind of look on someone with that beautiful of a jawline. She left in a hurry. Told us to evacuate the cavern. But then, who would be here to talk sweetly to all of you out there?

Settling in to be another clear night and pretty evening here in Everhoof. I hope all of you out there have somepony to sleep through it with. Or, at least, good memories of when you did.

Goodnight listeners. Goodnight


End file.
